well theres been alot going on lately but i dont realy know what to say about it just yet.  theres alot of wanting to help others while also realizing that i to need help.  it is sometimes very hard to even realize that you need help and even harder to acept it.  but regardless this is why it is good to have friends that care about you and it something that i am truly thankful for.  aside from that i am mostly ocupied lately by work.  i do love work it is what i was built for.  i am increadably happey wheen i go to work not to mention the money which is alwais nice.  i dant feal like ive sayed enough here but unfortuantly i dont realy have any thing to say here at this time 

so yea its been a little bit since ive updated her yet agan.  on that note i do feal like im not making entries often enough.  i do have my excuse ready to go and it is a good one but it is still an excuse none the less.  i realy dont like excuses i hate to be given an excuse and i hate even more to give one but in this case its part of the story as to what has been going on lately so.  

since last thursday i have been running prety hard and just barely geting enough sleep to keep going i went in to work thursday then alot of other things came up and had to be dealt with later that day.  then i and som other friends helping me worked into the night to get me ready to leave out friday morning for my tour show.  a side note another huge thankyou to my friends for helping me i would not have been able to get things done by my self.  so then i proceed to head out friday and work the tour most everything went well untll it was time to strike the show from the vinue.  it had started raining very heavly and so we had to load the truck in the rain but even considering that it went quite well.  we went and had a good dinner then i started home.  well then my night got worse.  about 25 mile travled i have 1 trailer brake draging.  i get that fixed then about 100 miles from home i blow a tire so i get to deal with that not to mention i have barely been able to sleep the last few days.  so i finly get back into town quite releaved.  then its back to work at the colliesum sunday morning thats another all day event.  we get out of that around 4 monday morning then i have to take a friend to the airport what fun we mis the flight so we head to raleigh to catch another flight there.then i finaly get to go back and go to bed and i prety much sleep all day and am barely able to function tuesday.  then on to the collesium wensday alon with other erands that becomes a full day aswell ending around 12 so theres what ive been doing for the last several days but thats all i have time to post here for now.  i hope to be able to post something more thoughtful later on tonight.

there is no fealing as bad as wheen you feal like you have failed and let some one down.  its even worse wheen you manage to screw up something that was just starting out.  the story is prety simple.  with satrting to keep this journal i knew that i would not be able to update it here as often as i needed to so i was carying around a little notepad and makeing my journal entried in it with the intention of putting it in here wheen i got sat down long enough to do so.  well i had some time at home this morning so i started laundry and started geting some other things then i sat dow to transfer my journal entries, and i couldent find the notepad.  then in an instant i knew where it was, in the load of laundry i had just started.  by the time i got to it it had already been destroied.  nothing left but some pulp floating around and the spiral binding.  i realy want to go hide in a corner right now.  i feal like i have failed my handler.  tis also realy huurts that there were things that i had writen that i wanted in her that i can never begin to re write because theye were writen in the moment wheen they hapened.  so now im left with having lost thease moments and the fealing that i have lost something that i was made responsable for.  whats even worse is that my handler is not here for me to look to for comfort.  something as simple as her scratching behind my ear would make every thing much beter.  but i will have to wait a while still befor i can have this comforting.  i stil want to hide in a corner but i have no choice but to keep going.  i have over a long time been conditioned that if there is something that has to be done i have to keep going and manage to keep everyone else going.  thus i have become very caloused and hide my fealings deep down so that i can keep going.  to the point that even wheen it is ok for me to show my emotions and let them out or even break emotionaly wheen needed i cant even if i wanted to.  i bury my emotions so deep and lock them away so far that i cant even let them out wheen i want to.  
well im going to leav it at that for now ive pulled out a new note book and ill try agan

 

Current Mood: ashamed

so im starting this journal which was inatialy a request made by me for my handaler as we will call it for now  to require me to keep.  I made this request because in another relationship i was in my Domme was leaving the country for a week and made me and my sister keep a journal.  now before this i had been required to keep a journal for difrent classes.  Never before had  i actualy managed to make more that about 3 entrys before i simply ignored it.  but wheen my Domme required it i dident miss a singal day of journaling.  so after she returned back from her trip i was realy hopeing that maby she would ask me to continue the journal, but unfortuantly not.  i in that one week did realize how benaficial keeping the journal was to me, but also how it made me feal to write it knowing there was someone who truly wanted to read it.  so back to the present i am in a loose relationship with a wonderful person as her pet and her as my handler.  this is by no means a 24/7 relationship it is not even necesairly every time i am in her presence.  we are also good friendsand spend alot of time as such.  the pet/Handaler is something we can play with and casualy slide in and out of.  so after i asked her if she would require me to write a journal she thought about it for a period of time and then just today requested that i keep one.  most of this journal will be writen in a small notepad that i will cary with me almost all the time, gerater detail and deeper thought will greatly come from siting down and typing it here.  as i was on the road when i was told to start this journal it starts mostly with goings on of the tour im working.  

first entyr in the note book
friday feb 29 7:20 pm 
were leaving the vinue headed for dinner.  loadin wend good fairly quick for the first show.  actualy not bad in general.  everyone that had been on the tour was comenting on the new set, im prety proud of my work thus far.  

later on 
sitting at dinners been nice im finaly getting to know the rest of the crew.  im realy needing a shower now i cant wait to get to the Hotel

at the Hotel 
so siting around the hotel i managed to get a massage.  i had never had a quote real massage before.  during the massage i kept thinking about cuddleing and senseual touch in play. im still trying to figure out who (ie my audience) im writeing this journal toa real person, the journal as a person, or to the general community.  ill have that one figured out soon enough.  i read a particular Blog this evening.  i have made mention before as to how simalar mine and the writers stories are.  after reading their blog and entire sea of emotions came over me. one was the intensity that i cre for this person and wanting to make every moment a good and happy time for them.  i was also hurting for them because i know all to well the pain they were going through in the events they were talking about.  i was also recalling simalar situations from my past aswell, things that i had not even realized i had blocked so strongly.  i in the present had never even considered this past to be a bad thing i had blocked it out so intently.  i am still processing this but it had causd me to have a great realization as to where alot of me comes from.  
any wais its time for bed theres a long day ahead tomorrow.